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Random Ramblings (Poem from long ago)

I said I loved you

and wanted to be with you every moment

I wanted to hold you

and guard you jealously from covetous eyes

When I protect and possess you

I become your enemy

As then I am blind

to your glory as an individual.

I bought you a book, a book I really liked

hoping that you would like it as much

you read it and told me you hated it

now I feel that you don’t love me

but I am I and you are you

why should you like everything I like ?

we can still like each other, can’t we ?

by accepting that you can be different, yet nice

I have begun to love you truly.

You have done well in life, they said

you are brilliant, and I tended to agree

Then came the time I failed miserably

and they pulled me down from my pedestal

Between these violently differing perceptions

of my abilities, I couldn’t choose

Till I realized that I was seeing my reflection

in a very uneven mirror

The facts had never changed !

Only when I looked for a shoulder to cry on

did I realize that I was really alone

More lonely when in a crowd

the deafening silence amongst the screams.

People disturb my essence

acquaintances pollute my communion

I have a very small circle of care

within which I put a few friends

The rest are just drifters

destined to become relics of the past

Theirs is just a passing significance

a coincidence in time and space.

Sitting alone in judgement

over my inner conflicts

And did I arrive !

at conclusions, or confusions!

If you are sensitive to my depression

then I’ll die for you

But please tell me if you care

I’ll love you for your truth

if you admit that you hate me

Its your shallow love that kills me

please don’t do this to me.

If it is such an effort to be myself

isn’t the unnatural self the real me ?

My life has had moments of joy

but sadness has been the larger truth

when I am happy, I am myopic

my life takes on pretences of permanence

If my boat never rocked, I would think

that the ocean is only a surface

In my depressions, I see the light

and in sadness, I create

So if you ask if I’m happy or sad

I’d say I’m happy I’m sad..

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