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March 16, 2009
I said I loved you
and wanted to be with you every moment
I wanted to hold you
and guard you jealously from covetous eyes
When I protect and possess you
I become your enemy
As then I am blind
to your glory as an individual.
I bought you a book, a book I really liked
hoping that you would like it as much
you read it and told me you hated it
now I feel that you don’t love me
but I am I and you are you
why should you like everything I like ?
we can still like each other, can’t we ?
by accepting that you can be different, yet nice
I have begun to love you truly.
You have done well in life, they said
you are brilliant, and I tended to agree
Then came the time I failed miserably
and they pulled me down from my pedestal
Between these violently differing perceptions
of my abilities, I couldn’t choose
Till I realized that I was seeing my reflection
in a very uneven mirror
The facts had never changed !
Only when I looked for a shoulder to cry on
did I realize that I was really alone
More lonely when in a crowd
the deafening silence amongst the screams.
People disturb my essence
acquaintances pollute my communion
I have a very small circle of care
within which I put a few friends
The rest are just drifters
destined to become relics of the past
Theirs is just a passing significance
a coincidence in time and space.
Sitting alone in judgement
over my inner conflicts
And did I arrive !
at conclusions, or confusions!
If you are sensitive to my depression
then I’ll die for you
But please tell me if you care
I’ll love you for your truth
if you admit that you hate me
Its your shallow love that kills me
please don’t do this to me.
If it is such an effort to be myself
isn’t the unnatural self the real me ?
My life has had moments of joy
but sadness has been the larger truth
when I am happy, I am myopic
my life takes on pretences of permanence
If my boat never rocked, I would think
that the ocean is only a surface
In my depressions, I see the light
and in sadness, I create
So if you ask if I’m happy or sad
I’d say I’m happy I’m sad..
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